Diapers and Dragons

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Who Needs A Gym When You Have Kidlets?

So I haven't been exercising much lately. As in, not at all. Which sucks because I was getting nicely in shape for a while there.

It's not the weight itself (as in the number on the scale) that bothers me. It's the flabbiness, the definite sign that I am Letting Myself Go. We're not talking Fat so much as we are Flab. Just to clarify, since I've been putting a cautious toe in the waters of the Great Weight Debate lately. In other words, I want to be fit and healthy, and that's just not happening.

However. This morning as I was lifting my coffee cup (just about the only thing I'm lifting at work these days), I happened to glance at my arm and Holy Hamstrings, I have BICEPS! I wasn't even flexing, and there was a bulge that would have made any fifteen-year-old male proud! Well, if that fifteen-year-old male wasn't a bodybuilder or trying to win the Presidential Fitness Award. Nevertheless. BICEPS. On Me, the girl who once upon a time had to check whether arms were supposed to be convex or concave in that area and was rather disappointed to discover the answer.

So I'm proposing a whole new fitness regime, Muscles for Mothers. Cuz this is the only way I can explain what I discovered this morning, and maybe someone will want to pay me the Big Bucks to share my wisdom with the world. Remember, everything posted here is Mine (check out the very bottom of the web page, people, and don't press your luck) and you can contact me personally for information on how to write out the check. You're welcome.

(Thanks to Bodybuilding.com for the names and descriptions of the original, non-mommy exercises. However, I officially hate the models on that site. Just sayin'.)

(Neck) Lying Face Down Plate Neck Resistance: Lie face down on bed, floor, or other flat surface. Children will automatically appear and climb on your back, most likely en masse if you have more than one child available. Attempt to raise head to respond to children's stream of questions, and also to breathe. Repeat as children bounce on your back and head. If you keep your abs tight, this also works that muscle group and prevents your organs from being pulverized.

(Trapezoids) Snatch Hang High Pull: Snatch child and pull him/her high into the air out of reach of the friendly dog attempting to give him/her kisses. Expect some level of supersonic screaming from the child.

(Shoulders) Arm Circles: Whirl arms in circles in an attempt to attract the attention of oblivious children heading for Extreme Mischief and/or Impending Doom. You may have the added bonus of expanding your lungs with a spate of Yelling, and feel free to add an aerobic aspect by pairing the Arm Circles with a Sprint (most likely in the event of Impending Doom).

(Shoulders) Back Flyers with Bands [a.k.a. Bodies]: Grab fighting children and separate as far apart as possible. Remember to do this with both arms in the same but opposite motion and while keeping your abs tight, or you may hurt your back. Will most likely involve several reps.

(Chest) Barbell Guillotine Bench Press: Wake up in the morning. Firmly grasp small body draped across your chest/neck/face with both hands. Lift and set to the side. Repeat as needed.

(Triceps) Bench Dips: Collapse into armchair and lift aching feet onto footrest. Small child/children will run across room and hurl into your lap. When you find yourself shoved butt-down into the space between chair and footrest, use arms on chair to lift body back up. Child/children will add weight resistance for added workout benefit.

(Biceps) Hammer Curl: Firmly grasp toys/clothing/books/small children scattered about the floor and curl arm upwards. Deposit into nearest receptacle. Repeat. May require pairing with Squats. See Reverse Barbell Preacher Curls for variation after a Very Long Day.

(Wrist/Forearm) Reverse Barbell Preacher Curls: Similar approach as the Hammer Curl, but requires kneeling in prayer for patience. Lift objects/children while you kneel, focusing on your forearms and that you really do love your children even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

(Abs) Ab Crunch: Lie down in bed. Sit up, focusing on using your abs rather than your back, to answer a child's demand for water. Lie down again. Repeat crunch to answer a child's demand for a hug. Lie down. Get up to answer demand for stuffed animal that "fell" on floor. Lie down. Repeat ad nauseum.

(Abs) Barbell Side Bend: Lift small child onto hip. Reach down and to the side to grab and lift toy/food/book/diaper/bag/coat OR grab additional child to prevent Impending Doom. Repeat. At some point that may or may not be halfway through reps, switch child to other hip.

(Abs) Cable Crunch: Kneel and bang head on floor. Most commonly performed after Doom is no longer Impending or small children have driven you Up The Wall (exercise not included due to risk of injury).

(Quads) Barbell Deadlift: Lift child. Put down. Repeat. Keep abs tight and back straight if possible. Ten million reps.

(Quads) Barbell Stepups: (Requires multi-level house or at least porch stairs) Lift child/groceries/laundry basket/huge load of toys that have materialized downstairs. Carry up stairs. Repeat as needed.

Note: This exercise regime focuses on weight-lifting and does not include the many aerobic exercises available to mothers, such as Sprinting At A Dead Run, Chasing Children Round The Bend, Near Miss Heart Attacks, and so on.

Good luck and good exercising!

--Toned and Tough (in her dreams) TeacherMommy

9 bits of love:

Kathleen said...

You're so funny! Truly entertaining!

Auntie D-Town said...

how do you get on that what not to wear show? do i have too submit you in and you submit me? we could have a really fun time taking "candid" pictures of how "clueless" we both are... then get free clothes! !

oreneta said...

Funny enough I read sections aloud to the man....tellingly, my kids are getting big enough that some of these would be impossible, I will have to cook up a teenager's parent one, though I think that might involve more mental health issues than anything else.

Heidi said...

In response to your comment over on my blog (because there's no darn way to track responses to comments, argh), I do hope I made it clear enough that none of my body stuff is your fault!!

American women *all over the world* get terrible input from the media and other sources about what we "should" and "shouldn't" look like...and almost none of it is realistic and/or true. I'm coming to the realization that I have to deal with my body issues now or face living with it for the rest of my life (not okay!).

Big hugs, my dear.

GingerB said...

Do you have something to exercise the retch muscles? So when I barf I won't be incapacitated for days? That could have helped me loads when I was pregnant.

Monica said...

this was great...loved it!

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

Love it! So true. Haven't been to a gym in years but have stronger biceps than when I was seriously into training for rowing.

There is also the reflex issue as any toddler mother can catch a flying toy car with no warning at any point!

Beth said...

Sheer brilliance! I easily got my recommended daily dose of laughs from this post.

And the funniest thing is that it's all absolutely TRUE! Every word! When my twins were still of carrying age, I was totally buffed!

Beck said...

Hee hee. If exhausting childcare was all it took, I would have the body of one of those bikini ladies. And as a result, more children.

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