Diapers and Dragons

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Insufficient Unto This Day

I'm tired and I'm sad and I feel stretched in a thousand directions, pulled thin like taffy, never knowing when the tension will break me.

There isn't enough time in the day, in the week, in the month to share with those I love.

I wish I could spend hours on end cuddling and playing with my kidlets so they know I love them deeply, that they are so precious to me that my heart aches when I think of them.

I wish I could spend hours on end snuggling with my husband watching favorite shows and playing favorite games and just being together so he realizes that I love him deeply, that I yearn for connection with him and healing for us.

I wish I could spend hours on end talking with my parents and sharing thoughts and dreams so they know I love them deeply, that my heart is breaking because they're leaving and thousands of miles will stretch between us.

I wish I could spend hours on end laughing and talking and connecting with my dear friends M. and C., whom I have not seen in weeks and weeks, so they realize that I love them deeply, that I have not forgotten them and want to share in their lives.

I wish I could spend hours reading and studying and praying so that I can connect with God, deepen this new and oh-so-young relationship, so that His strength can also be mine.

I feel spread thin, as though I prepared a meal for fifteen only to discover it was supposed to be for fifty, and now I'm watering down the stew and scrambling to make more out of not-enough. The portions I dish out are miserly, weak, insufficient.

And I don't know what to do about it.

6 bits of love:

Kathleen said...

Praying for you! Are you taking the summer off, or is there summer school?

merideth said...

this reads like a psalm. it resonates with me also b/c i have felt the same way - you describe it perfectly with your stew analogy. but - if God can renew the widow woman's meal and oil for the entire famine, he can renew your strength in your "famine." i will pray for you.

Monica said...

So sorry things are tough. Merideth is right -- it does read like a psalm. I know how you feel.

Hang in there; it will get better.

Such an English teacher, you are...

mom said...

I too, wish you had long hours to do all those things you long to do. I, for one, will take the short hours we will have and hold them as precious, every minute, no matter how busy or interrupted or snatched they are. We will find GIST, every time. And store up like camels for the times apart. And figure out how to keep deeply in touch. (For only having 24 hours in a day you do manage to cram a LOT in. Pity you can't get some sleep, too!)

GingerB said...

Oh my dear, at least you are good enough to go and cook for anyone else - I only feed my peeps and on very rare occasions, book club. I totally get it but like you, doing less doesn't seem so interesting. Crap, was I supposed to pay attention to my husband so he'll remember he loves me too?

Now, you won't thank me if I tell you about the waffles and then you spend a whole bunch of time reading her site, right? o I shouldn't tell you?

Arby said...

Accept the things you cannot change.

Change the things you can.

Learn to recognize the difference.

Or just white knuckle it like the rest of us!

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