Ennui and Such

I feel like writing, but don't know what to write.

I feel like making someone laugh, but don't know where my humor has gone.

I feel like crawling into bed for about four more hours of sleep, but all my sick leave is used up (more than used up--I've been docked about two weeks pay by this point over the last several months) and I have to be here at work.

I do find myself, oddly enough, actually looking forward to summer. I think summer is a challenge I'm determined to conquer, pray God, this year. The last few have been pretty dismal.

Beck over at Frog and Toad Are Still Friends has been writing about dealing with children, oh she of the many ideas and ways to entertain herself and her children, and also the dread of summer. If she ever does come out with the book she's threatening to write, I may be first in line to buy. Because as I've mentioned before, I'm not so great at the SAHM biz. The PPD didn't help, certainly, but even without that it's difficult for me to really get into the whole thing--it requires a great deal of organization, motivation, and patience, none of which are exactly my forte when it comes to kid stuff.

But, based on Beck's wisdom that Planning is a Mom's Best Friend, perhaps I should start now. After all, it's less than two months before summer is here and the kidlets start spending most of the week at home.

(This is going to be interesting in and of itself. What with being separated and so far doing the whole who-has-the-kids-when thing in a very "organic" way--a nice euphemism for figuring it out as we go or flying by the seats of our pants; also with the whole question about how we're going to work out where I'll be once my parents leave, what with ComputerDaddy being Totally Freaked Out about me/the kids living in Detroit without them around: I have no clue what this summer will look like. Wooosaaah, as my students say. Release, let it go, trust in God. Not an easy lesson for me, folks.)

There are things I can do about planning. Actually talking about it with ComputerDaddy in the safety and mediation of marriage counseling, for one. Checking into kid-friendly lessons (like swimming) and activities that various organizations offer during the summer, for two. Seeing if my church has VBS or anything else mommy-child oriented available, for three. Talking in a more organized, planning sort of way with my friends who also will have small children at home in the summer, for four.

Good ideas. Besides, talking is my forte.

Truth? I'm terrified of what I'll be facing when my parents leave. It's true I need to take that next step to prove to myself (and ComputerDaddy) that I can continue in my new strength and openness even without them there as a daily support. I'll have a good trial period in the next couple of weeks, since they will be leaving on Saturday for a two-week trip. It's not so much that I think I can't handle it; it's just that things are so much easier and smoother with them around.

But then, I won't grow if things are too easy, will I?

Sometimes I don't like having to be the grown up.