Diapers and Dragons

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Life on Overload

One of the hardest parts for me about depression and grieving--at least in terms of dealing with the World Out There and loved ones--is the sensitivity to everything. I can't speak for other people, but I know that when I'm sitting on the Dark Side of life, I become hypersensitive to every nuance, every word, every action. And not in a good way.

I snap in anger at the slightest provocation--not to even mention the actual button-pushing that comes from, oh, say, two small boys whose worlds have been turned upside down. I suspect dark motives behind each negligent word. If friends and family don't answer when I call or take a long time to respond to a message or email, I think they're avoiding me. If someone doesn't beg me to join them in some event or activity, or doesn't seem overjoyed to see me, I think it means they don't want me.

Intellectually I know this isn't the case. People are busy or out of town. They don't mean something the way I take it. They're being normal in their reaction or reception of me. Intellectually I know that I am loved and that there are many people (not all: I'm not naive) who like to have me around, even actively want me around.

I just struggle to feel it.

For example, today I wrote a comment on a dear friend's post disagreeing with what she had said about a recent hot topic. I wasn't the only one, nor the first, and I think I did so with respect and without attacking her personally. And yet, when I hit Submit, it was all I could do not to have a mini panic attack. Ever since, I've been more than half-convinced that by disagreeing with her I must have offended her and now she won't want to be my friend. I know she's NOT a petty person, nor easily offended, and yet I cannot rid myself of that feeling of doom.

My therapist says this is normal for what I'm going through. I'm feeling grief and anger and rejection, and I'm so overloaded already that the slightest possibility of more sends me over the edge.

So I'm making some choices. I'm going back on Zoloft. Now is not the time to be all chemically independent. I'm going to try to get more exercise into my schedule, because that's disappeared. I'm going to try to eat more healthily and drink more water. And even though I have the urge to write my own post about the current hot topic, I'm going to hold off until I'm a little more balanced.

And I'm going to try, very hard, to just breathe.

UPDATE: I made another choice to stop stewing and actually ask my dear friend about my comment on her post. As I knew (intellectually) she would, she told me (in gentler, much more loving words) to stop being a blooming idiot. I'm going to go put my head under a rock or two and try to take her advice.

16 bits of love:

Monica said...

I know this very feeling, and was thinking about it just a few hours ago...how to convince myself that others are not annoyed by my very existence. How to get the head and the heart on the same page. Tough one.

What's the hot topic of the day?

I live under a rock, so I need a little help.

oreneta said...

Hang in there hon, hugs....{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

The Kampers said...

Oh that constant battle of living by what you know to be True instead of how you feel! Right there with you sister!

Nap Warden said...

I'm curious on the hot topic of the day as well. It's crazy how typing can give something the wrong tone, and we worry it doesn't come out right.

Hang in there indeed:)

Arby said...

You can't dangle that bait without fessin-up: what was the controversy?

TeacherMommy said...

For the curious who don't have their email enabled (I'm lookin' at YOU, Monica! ;P) the current hot topic is Bebe Gloton, the breastfeeding doll.

Heidi said...

What's the hot topic about the doll? I haven't even seen it.

Meghan said...

Mmmmm Zoloft. Wait, is that an inappropriate response?

Mwa said...

You know, when other people would crawl under a rock and just hide there, it seems to me you are making some very sensible choices. And the chemical route can be very handy to get you out of your dark tunnel. Yay for you!

(I so know that feeling of no one wants me! It's hard to do, but you must allow yourself to believe it's about them and not you. So tough!)

Draft Queen said...

Oh sweetie! We really are having a time of it, huh?

Big hugs!

MomZombie said...

I think I know what you mean: Yesterday, amid everything else going on, someone put a "For Rent" sign on our lawn. Normally, I'd laugh it off or just get rid of it. What did I do? Burst into tears.
Two words about Zoloft: Fat and happy.

mom said...

Okay, finally got on the Internet. So just remember, some of us are geographically-technologically challenged and are truly frustrated with not being able to respond easily! I applaud your choices too, and hon -- don't go off the Z for a while, let it take you through this tough valley. And remember: WE LOVE YOU!

merideth said...

i think there may be nothing i can say that you haven't already ("Intellectually I know this isn't the case.") so instead, i'll just say i'm praying for you.

p.s. just being able to write this all down (even if you write only a fraction of what you're feeling) puts you way ahead of the curve on this whole depression thing. understand that!

p.p.s. depending on God while you're going through it? enSURES you'll come out of it with benefits of which you never dreamed.

Todd said...

I just want to give you a hug. But a comment will have to do.

You wouldn't fret about taking medicine for high blood pressure or a thyroid condition, would you? Zoloft shouldn't be any different. The big difference between mental health and diabetes is that we have a better understanding about the chemistry and bodily reactions to insulin, or the lack thereof. Do what you need to do.

In the meantime, print out a bunch of these comments, and hang them on the fridge or inside a cupboard door, for those times when you start wondering whether people want you.

Kami Lewis Levin said...

Umm, like you, I'm the mother of two boys (mine are 1 and 3) and spent the first year of my younger son's life completely miserable for a number of reasons but all I can say is hooray for zoloft. It really improved the quality of my life and more importantly, the quality of my time with my kids and husband. (She steps down from soapbox and exits stage left.)

Anonymous said...

Hey Sister!
Sorry for saying "hi", "bye" and hanging up on you last Thursday (the day you wrote it). I could tell that you were bummed out by it. MuttonChopsHubby & I were on our way to southern Indiana via Chicago, but our flight was delayed, so we were going to miss our connection to Chicago, so we were in line to try to get our flight changed, and when you called we were just about to finally get to talk to a person who could fix it all for us! But I answered so you would know I cared, and did want to talk to you, rather than letting it go to voice mail.

Then I couldn't call back because we did get our flight changed, and had to run to the new flight, and then run to the next flight after that... and then we were in Indiana, camping in the backwoods without reception or a way to charge the cell phone... and I've been booked since we got back.

I'm finally free - we can talk this evening if you'd like!

- SoccerSister

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