Diapers and Dragons

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

I'm Tired, Mind and Body, So Please Forgive My Rambling

Look up in the right hand corner of my blogsite. No, lower. A little lower. Right by the top title of the post...yep! There. You see that photo? The one of the woman who goes by the name of TeacherMommy hereabouts?

She's feeling a little low. A little sad. A little confused and frustrated and where-the-heck-is-my-life-going. A little melancholy, you could say.

It's been a good day. A long day, but a good day. My Tuesdays are always packed with a million-and-one things to do and people to see and appointments and whatnot, and today was a doozy. In a good way, really, so I don't mind, but it's tiring.

So as I was driving home tonight from a GNO (only it was sort of In) at a beloved freshly-retired teacher friend's house, I was thinking about Life and All That Stuff and just felt this wave of fatigue wash over me. Not just fatigue of the body, mind you: fatigue of the heart.

(I don't even know where this post is going other than I need to pour this out or I'll never get to sleep. My thoughts are all over the place; so is this post. Please bear with me.)

I know I'm often annoyingly vague about He Who Was and our separation and possibly impending divorce. I don't feel right about going into details. But I will write tonight that although I have grown immensely this last half year, even though I know I am a strong woman and will be okay in the end: the emotional wear and tear--it sucks. It sucks hardcore.

It's a day to day thing. Daily making the choice to get up and do what needs to be done, take care of my children, take care of myself, sometimes take care of He Who Was. Learn, grow, stretch, fall back a few steps, stumble, get back up, forge forward again. And then do it all over the next day.

Lately I fell back a few steps. I let my anger at He Who Was overwhelm my compassion. I didn't feel like forgiving him for some recent hurts. Then a few good friends (and a very good sister) made some comments and talked with me about things, and I started thinking again rather than just letting my momentary emotions carry the day. And I realized that I've been getting pretty high and mighty lately, picturing myself as both the Victim and the Better Person in our sad little mess.

I'm not the heroine of this story. I deeply wounded my husband. I made choices for which I did and am and will suffer the consequences. I know I'm forgiven by my Father, and I have forgiven myself, but that does not rid me of responsibility for the heart wound I caused. I don't apologize to He Who Was often enough, and something someone said to me today made me realize that he needs that. He needs to know that even though I am not stuck and wallowing in guilt and shame, I am still immeasurably sorry for what I have done and for the choices I have made over the years that contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.

And I'm still struggling day to day to figure out if I even want to be in this marriage myself. There are times when I just want to walk away. There are times when I just want to file the papers myself. And there are times, like tonight as I drove home in the car, when I miss him fiercely, when I want nothing more than to hear his voice and feel his arms around me.

I don't know what else to say tonight. I'm not sure I should even post this. But I will, because it's Truth, and I'm learning to live in the light. It's just hard, sometimes, not to retreat to the shadows.

12 bits of love:

Brenda said...

Oh babe. That's a suckity sucking suck! (((hugs))) to you.xx

Monica said...

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for yourself is to describe what's real, to describe the messy truth. You did that here. You aren't trying to sweep anything away or sugar coat or dramatize. You really are living in the light, even if that light seems a little harsh sometimes.

I am struck by how you describe the knowledge that you are forgiven by God and yet you are still living with the regret and still need to apologize. This is the mystery of forgiveness, isn't it? People think that forgiveness means easy street, means everything feels great again: not true. It just means you can face what you need to face, with confidence in God's love for YOU.

This is a good reminder, today and everyday. Thank you.

Becky said...

"And there are times, like tonight as I drove home in the car, when I miss him fiercely, when I want nothing more than to hear his voice and feel his arms around me."

I don't know you TeacherMommy, nor do I know any of your circumstances. But when I read your sentence above, all I could think of was this was the summer of 1999 and my struggles and questions about divorcing.

It wasn't clear, but two questions clarified quite a lot for me. The first was from our marriage counselor who assigned me the home work of Thinking of something I would like to do on a date with my then husband. I truthfully could not think of one thing. The second was when my best friend died that summer and I thought about whose arms would comfort me. And again, my then husband wasn't my answer.

So, "nothing more than to hear his voice and feel his arms around me" speaks volumes to me. Does it to you?

GingerB said...

Honey, this is indeed a suckity sucking suck, as Brenda says (I might call it worse but only on my blog where profanity flies thick and fast) It is baffling that you feel such a connection to one human being in some ways but in others the disconnect is overwhelming. I might be fresh out of advice.

Mwa said...

That would suck hardcore indeed.

Kathleen said...

You are indeed a strong woman. And the fact that you recognize a need for forgiveness, that you recognize how much you have grown, is a tribute to your strength of character.

Hugs and prayers...

The Kampers said...

Oh TeacherMommy! What to say? I wish I could come and take the kidlets for a while, or cook you dinner, or clean your house, or something. Can you tell I am better at the tangible? I wish I had something fantastic to say, but I don't. I do know that God feels all the pain of this. And He loves you and He Who Was and your boys more than any of us can imagine. And He is faithful. He will walk through the fire and water and you won't be burned or drown. (Isaiah 43:1-5)

Know that I am praying for you guys.

Seriously Me said...

I know exactly how you feel and it does suck indeed. But please know that things will get easier as time goes by.
You can always email me if you have questions or just want to vent. I'm a great listener. My thoughts are with you.

Draft Queen said...

I really, truly wish I had my blogs from when That Guy I Married and I *really* split up. The ones where I dangle precariously on the edge of "wtf am I really doing here?" and "is it what's best?"

For some stupid reason they all got trashed.

It's not an easy thing, to try to keep yourself propelling forward instead of falling back. But it's normal for it to go this way. To get caught up in yourself and forget sometimes that the other person is hurt. You catch yourself, realign and try to keep going forward. Some days it's an autopilot routine. Some days you catch yourself a little happier and sometimes you fall again and start right back over.

But the starting right back over doesn't take as long.

We are never complete. There is always "work" to be done. Try to find the things you are blessed to have everyday. The things you did do right. Make them your focus.

((big hugs))

Collette said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. You are a strong woman already & God will always give you the strength you need. You need to do what is the best for you in the long run. My prayers are with you. XOXOX

MM said...

You know I don't usually comment here, but I was catching up on my blogs and I read this post. God really does work in mysterious ways, doesn't he? As your friend, it was hard for me to bring up the personal thoughts I had about your guy. It was like someone rested their hand on my shoulder and whispered, "This is the best time for this and whatever you say will be right." I'm so glad I listened and that my words could touch you even a tiny bit. You know I love you both very much.

mom said...

Hon, I so badly wanted to comment on this when I read it, but that was about when our Internet connection "broke," due to rain, and then we ran out of aviso time. And then Dad went to the next big town and bought a new system that works on the cellphone network. So tonight I'm online again, and finally here. It's neat to read all the supportive comments. You know that I was praying for you, and for He Who Was and the kidlets too, as I do many times a day. You are walking a very tough path with great courage and honesty, walking in the Light. The best place to be. The Shame is Gone; the challenges remain, but you are never alone. I love you, too!

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