Look up in the right hand corner of my blogsite. No, lower. A little lower. Right by the top title of the post...yep! There. You see that photo? The one of the woman who goes by the name of TeacherMommy hereabouts?
She's feeling a little low. A little sad. A little confused and frustrated and where-the-heck-is-my-life-going. A little melancholy, you could say.
It's been a good day. A long day, but a good day. My Tuesdays are always packed with a million-and-one things to do and people to see and appointments and whatnot, and today was a doozy. In a good way, really, so I don't mind, but it's tiring.
So as I was driving home tonight from a GNO (only it was sort of In) at a beloved freshly-retired teacher friend's house, I was thinking about Life and All That Stuff and just felt this wave of fatigue wash over me. Not just fatigue of the body, mind you: fatigue of the heart.
(I don't even know where this post is going other than I need to pour this out or I'll never get to sleep. My thoughts are all over the place; so is this post. Please bear with me.)
I know I'm often annoyingly vague about He Who Was and our separation and possibly impending divorce. I don't feel right about going into details. But I will write tonight that although I have grown immensely this last half year, even though I know I am a strong woman and will be okay in the end: the emotional wear and tear--it sucks. It sucks hardcore.
It's a day to day thing. Daily making the choice to get up and do what needs to be done, take care of my children, take care of myself, sometimes take care of He Who Was. Learn, grow, stretch, fall back a few steps, stumble, get back up, forge forward again. And then do it all over the next day.
Lately I fell back a few steps. I let my anger at He Who Was overwhelm my compassion. I didn't feel like forgiving him for some recent hurts. Then a few good friends (and a very good sister) made some comments and talked with me about things, and I started thinking again rather than just letting my momentary emotions carry the day. And I realized that I've been getting pretty high and mighty lately, picturing myself as both the Victim and the Better Person in our sad little mess.
I'm not the heroine of this story. I deeply wounded my husband. I made choices for which I did and am and will suffer the consequences. I know I'm forgiven by my Father, and I have forgiven myself, but that does not rid me of responsibility for the heart wound I caused. I don't apologize to He Who Was often enough, and something someone said to me today made me realize that he needs that. He needs to know that even though I am not stuck and wallowing in guilt and shame, I am still immeasurably sorry for what I have done and for the choices I have made over the years that contributed to the breakdown of our marriage.
And I'm still struggling day to day to figure out if I even want to be in this marriage myself. There are times when I just want to walk away. There are times when I just want to file the papers myself. And there are times, like tonight as I drove home in the car, when I miss him fiercely, when I want nothing more than to hear his voice and feel his arms around me.
I don't know what else to say tonight. I'm not sure I should even post this. But I will, because it's Truth, and I'm learning to live in the light. It's just hard, sometimes, not to retreat to the shadows.
3 years ago