I should be writing exams.
I should be grading papers.
I should be writing a recommendation letter for a former student.
I should be creating sub plans for Wednesday when I'm in the curriculum committee meeting all day.
I should be figuring out financial terms and logistics for my divorce settlement.
I should be organizing my life and staying on top of things.
Instead I'm struggling to keep focused on anything at all, eating chocolate like it's gone out of style, and wondering why my anxiety meds aren't helping much today. I have zero sense of humor. I am fairly sure I have yet to smile at a student today. I haven't yelled either. Just stared. Working does nothing but increase the panic. Activities that usually relax and rejuvenate me are doing nothing. I even read a couple of blogs that should have had me laughing and instead found myself staring dourly at the screen, wondering if anyone would like to take over writing my blog until I get over this dark time.
It seems like almost every possible little thing is triggering my anxiety today. All I can think about is somehow making it through the remainder of my classes, making it through the staff meeting this afternoon, making it through the brief meeting with colleagues about the final exams, making it through the commute home, then getting into workout clothes and sweating my way through the Zumba workout. That would be almost an hour that leaves me with no room for outside thought, no time to worry, nothing but physical movement and breathing and gasping and jelly legs. Right now that hour of working out seems to be the only thing I have any ability to control or handle.
But then the hour would be over. And reality would face me again: pain, stress, uncertainty of future, fear of failure, fear of what others think of me, fear of what tomorrow holds.
This is all I have right now. There's nothing else to offer you.
3 years ago