Diapers and Dragons

Monday, January 11, 2010

Some Days Are Worse Than Others. Today, For Example.

I should be writing exams.

I should be grading papers.

I should be writing a recommendation letter for a former student.

I should be creating sub plans for Wednesday when I'm in the curriculum committee meeting all day.

I should be figuring out financial terms and logistics for my divorce settlement.

I should be organizing my life and staying on top of things.

Instead I'm struggling to keep focused on anything at all, eating chocolate like it's gone out of style, and wondering why my anxiety meds aren't helping much today. I have zero sense of humor. I am fairly sure I have yet to smile at a student today. I haven't yelled either. Just stared. Working does nothing but increase the panic. Activities that usually relax and rejuvenate me are doing nothing. I even read a couple of blogs that should have had me laughing and instead found myself staring dourly at the screen, wondering if anyone would like to take over writing my blog until I get over this dark time.

It seems like almost every possible little thing is triggering my anxiety today. All I can think about is somehow making it through the remainder of my classes, making it through the staff meeting this afternoon, making it through the brief meeting with colleagues about the final exams, making it through the commute home, then getting into workout clothes and sweating my way through the Zumba workout. That would be almost an hour that leaves me with no room for outside thought, no time to worry, nothing but physical movement and breathing and gasping and jelly legs. Right now that hour of working out seems to be the only thing I have any ability to control or handle.

But then the hour would be over. And reality would face me again: pain, stress, uncertainty of future, fear of failure, fear of what others think of me, fear of what tomorrow holds.

This is all I have right now. There's nothing else to offer you.

6 bits of love:

Heidi said...

Sometimes we have to go into survival mode. That's okay. The very best thing you can do for yourself is try to be forgiving, to tell yourself the things that you would tell a friend going through the same thing.

I'm sure I've mentioned it before but picking up some sort of meditation tape that would just help you do some deep, relaxing breathing might help. Anxiety is such a physical process that using biofeedback tools like meditation, etc. makes such a difference, at least for me.

I still wake up at night rigid with fear that comes out of nowhere but when I focus on those meditation techniques it does help, even if it doesn't completely eliminate the anxiety.

You are special. You are loved. You will find, and are finding, your way.

sAm said...

((hugs)) If it weren't for the bad we wouldn't recognize the good. When I'm going through a rough time that is the only mantra that gets me through. You will make it through this. ((hugs))

mom said...

I just did a search in BibleWorks for how many times the Lord said to someone "Do not be afraid" -- 66 times. And he often followed it with "I am with you." I can't say anything that means more than that. This is my anchor.

Du courage! Stand up and throw roots . . .

Stone Fox said...

some days just suck ass, don't they? here's to a tomorrow that is lighter and less fearful. i hope you had a great workout and can at least get a decent night's sleep.

Monica said...

Did you get to the workout, and did it help?

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry it's so dark and hard right now! Heidi's recommendation for breathing exercises is a really good one. So is mom's!
(Since you like books, I'd definitely recommend "The Anxiety Workbook" - a self-help workbook for dealing with anxiety. It has all sorts of exercises in it to practice, including deep breathing).

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