Diapers and Dragons

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Looking Back

Homer H. Hickem, Jr. frequently refers to his parents' conflicted and complex marriage in his famous memoir Rocket Boys (later changed to October Sky--you may have seen the movie by the same name). Regarding his mother's choice to marry his father, Hickem writes "It was a decision that I believed she often regretted, but still would not have changed" ("Chapter One: Coalwood").

Imagine trying to help a young fourteen-year-old girl to puzzle through this contradictory concept, as I did on Tuesday. It took her some time to grasp it; I understood the sentence's meaning as soon as I first read it.

I get it, you see. How one can simultaneously regret a decision because of the hardship and pain that resulted, yet not change that decision should one have a do-over. On the face of it, such an attitude is ludicrous. And yet...

I regret much about my relationship with He Who Was, not least of which were certain key choices I made at various times. A part of me regrets that we reunited after a one-week breakup ten years ago. Certainly this present pain would not exist had I made a different decision. And yet...How am I to know that what would have happened to me would have been any better?

Even more importantly, here is perhaps the greatest reason not to go back and change my decision should I ever invent a time machine:

Our beautiful, precious boys will always bind us together. That will be hard sometimes. I'm not naive enough to think otherwise.

And yet...

I wouldn't change it.

6 bits of love:

Kathleen said...

Oh, I wouldn't either...they are so precious!

MomZombie said...

I have this conversation often with my oldest daughter. There were mistakes, there are regrets, I tell her, but her father and I were meant to be together at least for a while. I've always felt our daughter came to us as a gift, as a miracle, and as a life lesson. I still learn so much from her.

Brenda said...

Same here! I wouldn't change it for the world. Your kids are your blessings. They're the best thing about your marriage with him.

Hang in there babe! You're a lot stronger than you think.xx

Mwa said...

Marriage can be undone. Kids are so much of a bigger commitment. I think you write of your journey with a lot of love, in spite of the pain.

mom said...

Dear one, your blog today made me think of Solomon, chosen son of David to be king of Israel, product of a marriage that was altogether wrong when it began -- the wrong relationship with another man's life while he was out fighting for his king, the brutal manipulated murder of that man later. David deeply regretted his taking of Bathsheba. And yet. God used that relationship to produce the most powerful king that Israel ever had. It's amazing how the Powerful One can work his weaving no matter how we choose wrongly, in his time and his way.
DramaBoy and Widget are absolutely precious, true gifts from God. We will treasure them always, just as you do!

GingerB said...

I see my kids exactly the same way and I will fight to stay married even though we are so very different and had we both not been looking to make a family I doubt we would be together. And I sometimes wonder (on your blog, not mine) why I had to have a second child when I ha a perfectly lovely red headed wonder and two step kids that could benefit from a lot of care, yet I greedily wanted one more of my own who now requires a level of fear, worry, and daily effort heretofore unseen in my life. If I had known would I have chosen differently? Probably not, that daughter was meant for me, and I love her so utterly despite the extra work and care. I reunited with my man after a month 4 years ago and I had desperately missed him despite my concerns about our long term prospects and here I am, struggling regularly. Oh TeacherMommy, it is so hard to stay together and so hard to divorce. I ache for you but you everything you say here says hyou are handling it all with grace and love and respect for everyone concerned, adn no one can ask anymore of you.

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