Diapers and Dragons

Monday, July 20, 2009

Because My Children Are Perfect Angels

I have no idea why you're looking at me. It certainly wasn't my children who did all those ridiculous things. I am a perfect mother with perfect children, and your accusatory stare is out of line.

I mean, it's ridiculous to even think such things. My Widget would NEVER pull poop out of his diaper and smear it all over his body, hair, and face. Not to mention the wall and some seat covers. Just like he would never pick up anything that looks vaguely foodish off the floor, ground, chair, or other surfaces and put it in his mouth to check whether it's edible. My child? Never!

I also have no idea why you think it would be The Widget who was in that Kroger the other day pulling Barbie dolls off the shelf and dumping them on the floor. I mean, I admire the political statement that child was making, but my child would never behave that way in public! In addition, it certainly isn't The Widget who has a habit of calling every older man he sees Grandpa as if he doesn't even know who his relatives are. I've educated him better than that.

As for DramaBoy, you must have imagined those things you thought you heard him say. He certainly wasn't talking at the top of his voice in a public restroom about the difficulty of pooping and how much was remaining in his bottom. He also most definitely was not the one asking (again, at the top of his voice) whether the other people in the restroom were trying to poop too.

And his understanding of gender differences is not based purely on their possession or lack thereof of a penis. As a result, it wasn't DramaBoy commenting out loud, in public, that He is a boy, so he has a penis. And she is a girl, so she doesn't have a penis. You don't have a penis, Mama! But Daddy has a penis, and I have a penis, and The Widget has a penis, because we are boys.

My son would never use potty words like poop and pee and penis in public. I've certainly trained him to be more polite and tactful than that.

And what in the world do you mean when you say you saw both DramaBoy and The Widget walking into walls and doors and grocery displays multiple times because they were too busy looking around at everything to pay attention to where they were going?!? My children are focused and follow me like good little ducklings. I never feel envious of Elastigirl in The Invincibles because of her ability to grab multiple children moving rapidly in multiple directions, because my children simply aren't like that.

As for those children you've seen sit down in the middle of the store or mall or, God help their mother, a parking lot and refuse to move? Not my children.

Never my children.

Because that would mean they are succeeding in their plot to drive me insane before they even make it into kindergarten.


To see stories about all the other children who aren't doing things, go over to MckMama's blog and check out all the links--once she gets that up!

8 bits of love:

Monica said...

Yes, and my son did NOT ask me yesterday if he could take a sip out of his soda and then spit it back in the soda bottle, repeatedly, so that his soda could last longer.

Arby said...

Although I do recognize the gender identification discussion, it’s only because I overheard it in public. Have you been in Kansas recently?

And it wasn’t my child who wanted a brother so much that he asked me, in an extremely loud voice on board a Southwest Airlines flight to Chicago, “So dad, have you given mom any of your sperm yet?” Multiple rows of laughing parents weren’t laughing at me and my child. Nope.

Never happened.

Kathleen said...

I hope, hypothetically speaking, that if any mother ever had to confront a poop smearing child who is eating anything "foodish" off the ground that the poop has at least been washed off of such a child's hands. :)

And I have to question Arby: Why wasn't that Southwest Airlines flight ever captured on Boarding in Bedlam?

Foursons said...

Love how you wrote this. So much more clever than I did. Great Not My Child! Monday post.

Rachael said...

Great post! Too funny and too true ;)

Kristi said...

HEE HEE to funny, must we the week for funny poop stories, I had a few in my "not my child" post too.

See you around Mcmama's.


Schmoochiepoo said...

Hey..mine plops down in the middle of parking lots too!

babyblooze said...

Really enjoyed this one... it's great that we all have perfect children! (certainly ones that don't pull out discarded moldy strawberries from the trash and eat them)

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