I've been doing well. Quite well, considering the hellishness of last week and the sinus infection that decided to take up residence a couple of days ago. But work has gone well, I've been remarkably social, and my students have been commenting.
I think it's a bit of a shock to their system to see me positively cheerful in class.
Yesterday I treated myself to a haircut (it's been five months, folks!) and a mani-pedi in honor of my upcoming Weekend of Fun. It had been a bit of a crazy day, what with oversleeping my alarm and wireless issues at work and so on. It was luxurious to relax for a couple of hours and just take care of myself. It's something I don't do all that often.
So why haven't I been sleeping?
Night after night I lie in the bed, tired but incapable of falling asleep. Night after night I've been forunate if I get five hours of sleep. Even more rare is a night of sleep without waking several times throughout the night. Even on my snow day on Wednesday, I woke throughout the night worried whether the automated phone caller would call the right number (it didn't) and checking online for when my district would announce it (at the last minute, hours after everyone else). Even once I knew, I only slept an hour past the time I would normally wake for work.
I've been taking some Tylenol PM at night the last few days because of this annoying sinus infection, and that has helped. A little. Last night I forgot to do so. I fell asleep, finally, sometime around 11 or so. And woke sometime around 1:45 AM.
No matter what I did (and I pulled out all my tricks), I could not fall asleep for over two hours. My shoulders and arms and neck burned with tension. My mind raced. And finally, as I buried my face in my pillow, I burst into tears.
I've been doing quite well. But underneath, there's still a churning mass of grief and fear and sorrow and anger over multiple stressors in my life: relationships (romantic and otherwise), finances, divorce, my children, my job, my future. Last night, that mass won the battle.
Somehow I have to win the war.
3 years ago