Diapers and Dragons

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Shadows

Yesterday was Groundhog Day. I didn't really notice at the time, what with all the depression and sadness and whatnot that happens when one's relationship comes to an end. I knew the timing for our beginning had been bad, that we had a lot of obstacles facing us, and I understand the reasons he feels he just can't be in a relationship at this point in his life, but pain doesn't care much about how logical the cause is.

I am clinging to hope rather than despair, however, and am doing whatever I can not to fall into the darkness. My friends are amazing. Add my sister in there, too, who called and talked and listened for a long time despite not feeling particularly well yesterday. I look back at last year, at the torment I was going through then as another relationship was ending (much more traumatically and messily and in a very drawn-out manner, mind you) and realize that the difference--in me, in my coping mechanisms, in the depth and breadth of my support group--is astonishing. Not that I don't feel like my heart is trying to tear itself in two, but I was actually able to laugh last night. I ate lunch today, voluntarily, for the first time in days. I made it through the workdays and functioned: my students could tell I was struggling, but I was able to be an effective teacher nonetheless. I didn't walk out. I didn't disappear. And rather than having a tiny handful of friends and family with whom to talk, I had...well, I lost count. The love floods in.

And these last four-plus months? They've been good. They've been healing. I gained confidence in myself. I learned a lot about myself, about life, about relationships. I did things I've never done before. There was stress and angst, but there was also a great deal of happiness. And ultimately, even though it's hard to feel that way right now, I do know that time was worth the pain.

Then today I heard that my great-uncle, my mother's paternal uncle, passed away after years of battling Parkinsons. It's been a long time since I saw him or his family, because they've lived in Florida for years, but I have fond memories of Great-Uncle J. I remember his amazing Donald Duck voice he'd use for all of us kids. I remember his kindness and gentle sense of humor. I only had him as a regular presence in my life for a relatively few years, but he left his mark. He will be missed.

So now I wonder: if bad news comes in threes, what more lies in wait this week?

It doesn't matter so much whether Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow or not yesterday. I'm thinking he may have had the right idea when he turned around and headed back indoors.

But I'm taking my friends with me.

7 bits of love:

mom said...

You are so very loved, dear one! Yes, there are shadows, but you've come a very long way from this time last year. Keep on truckin' -- and when the shadows get snarky and start to take over, look to the light. I'm so glad for every friend who is near you, and for your dear sister.

The Kampers said...

I wondered how you were doing...haven't heard much lately. So sorry for more hurt TeacherMommy! Prayed for you today while fixing dinner.

Kathleen said...

Oh, TM, I'm so sorry! :( BUT...I am so in awe of your response. I am miles away and haven't seen you in years, but I can just tell how much you have grown over the last year. May you pull out of this quickly and have only Good Lessons Learned left over.

Praying for your family with the loss of Uncle J. I always enjoyed his Donald Duck too!

GingerB said...

Oh, honey, I am so sorry you are in pain. Loss is loss and it just hurts regardless of how strong you are or anything else. I wondered if something was up on the man front since he had not been mentioned lately. The state of your life right now does NOT predict the state of your life for the future. Can you try to pretend that you are visiting me and I am feeding you homemade mac and cheese while you tell your tale of woe?

Will it cheer you at all if I tell you the WV is gaitymat?

Anonymous said...

Hey sis! Anytime (the listening thing). Some good news to break up the bad news - MuttonChops Hubby had a VERY good interview this yesterday and today at a place near you!
- SoccerSister

オテモヤン said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Draft Queen said...

I love you.

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