What shall I write about today? I ask myself, and there's an alarming silence in response.
Not that there's a lack of topics on which I could write: it's whether or not I should or even want to write about them. Topics about which I could drone on for pages are too sensitive or infringe on other people's privacy or my privacy or are just too boring to inflict upon you, my masses.
I could write about how habits creep back in so easily. That's how I started this post initially, and then I was all, No, I don't feel like preaching today thankyouverymuch. (Which is probably your response too, now that I think about it.)
I've been struggling with a vague sense of ennui and gloom. It's touched over almost every area of my life in recent days, and wouldn't you know it, I was actually oblivious as to why. I may be highly intelligent in many ways, but sometimes I'm just dumb. Or at least blind to what's right in front of my face.
Hey, TeacherMommy! You have, you know, ISSUES and stuff you're trying to work through with various levels of success and failure, not to mention the whole lack-of-closure thing and the divorce thing and the new relationship thing and the stress of work thing and oh yeah, don't you have young children too?
Speaking of habits, have I mentioned that I have a nasty one of expecting myself to be perfect all the time? And hiding my head under the sand when it comes to facing my struggles? Throw in an inferiority complex and some abandonment issues and Hello Damage Girl!
I'll admit that yesterday was a very Mondayish sort of Monday and I indulged myself after work by going shoe shopping. Because I Really Needed Those Shoes, of course. I found some awesome flat-soled boots with (faux) fur at DSW. And I replaced my knee-high black boots at Famous Footwear, since the ones I've had for three or four years are cracking. And I may just have given in to a darling pair of black pumps that were calling my name from across the room. They'll replace the black pumps I've had for eight years that are getting a little nasty.
You see, I do indulge, but at least I buy them on sale and at decent prices and use them until they give out. It's not like my student who told me today that she LOVES this pair of black pumps with red heels by some fancy schmancy designer and she's asking her mom to get them for her birthday and they only cost $695!!!
(My wedding dress cost less than that.)
(In fact, the most I've EVER paid for shoes is $150, and that was for very sturdy and rugged waterproof insulated leather outdoor boots that should last me for years.)
(I may have ranted at her a little bit about such frivolous spending, especially when she tried to defend--defend!--herself by saying she wouldn't even wear them very often. Because that makes it so much better.)
I was chatting with Heidi online last night, discussing personalities and Myer Briggs and Enneagrams and all that good stuff as we often do, and we managed to figure out my Enneagram wing type--in other words, the way my main type combines with a neighboring type to create my own little category. I am a 4 wing 3 (main type 4 combining with the neighboring "wing" 3 type), which makes me "The Aristocrat."
Consider that I've been walking around calling myself a queen (and no, not in the drag sense) for years and you can't help but giggle.
The description we found is scarily accurate. Especially when you look at how I've been stuck in the Unhealthy mode for so long and am now working towards becoming the Healthy version of myself. I found the following description on a Very Useful Website (Check out the Famous 4w3s. Yay. I'm in GREAT company):
Four with a Three Wing: The Aristocrat
Healthy 4w3’s can be both successful and inspired. They leave a personal touch in all the works they do, while maintaining some connection with the larger world. They enjoy public attention but are also committed to private self-exploration.
Average 4w3’s can be provocative and attention-grabbing, whether through art or life. Their emotional turbulances [sic] are more on the surface than the more withdrawn 4w5’s, and it often translates to immediate and widespread interpersonal impact. They can have problems with vanity and self-indulgence, and can resemble sevens in their love of luxury and pleasure. But unlike sevens, sensations are not sought in themselves but as another accessory to their fantasy identity. They tend to “hide away” once the problems with self-image caught up with them. They can also be competitive, play emotional games, and cause “dramas” of various sorts.
When 4w3’s are unhealthy, they are prone to hysteria and shallow/melodramatic emotional displays. They can have pronounced issue with self-image and shame. They feel justified to act selfishly because of their suffering. Narcissism and jealousy is also common.
Prince, Michael Jackson, Judy Garland, “Blanche DuBois”, “Madame Bovary”, Oscar Wilde, Marcel Proust
(From www.enneagrambook.com regarding Type 4)
Don't I sound delightful?
But then, as Heidi would say, I'm letting myself focus on the Dark Side of my Self (so Star Wars), the Self into which I disentegrate if I allow myself to do so.
This discovery does, however, explain the shoes.
3 years ago