Diapers and Dragons

Friday, October 9, 2009

Here Be Dragons

Today has been a good day. I got to sleep in, thanks to the absence of DramaBoy (staying with his grandma overnight) and The Widget's wise decision to sleep off his illness with a fourteen-hour night. The Widget is much better, thanks to modern medicine, and has been playful and cuddly and adorable all day. We even stopped at Sonic Burger on the way back from his follow-up doctor's visit, and he thoroughly enjoyed sitting in the front seat to eat his chicken and tater tots.

He told me he needed to be buckled in, even though we weren't going anywhere. I think he just wanted to try out the big people mechanism.

Today has been a good day.

And yet I'm sitting here feeling a slow bleed inside. My stomach is twisted up and my shoulders (so recently released from bondage by multiple visits to my brilliant chiropractor and the ministrations of my equally brilliant massage therapist) are tensed once again. A bitter taste lingers at the back of my throat.

The last few days have stirred up some deep-seated emotions, scraped at some crusted-over scars, sharpened some long-buried memories. I don't think I'm going to be able to tuck it all away again. I think I am going to have to face and deal with some dragons this time around.

I suppose it started with the story I wrote on Saturday. One person who read it gave me some incredibly insightful (and useful) feedback. Among other things, he noted that he sensed there were autobiographical aspects to my main character, which was only confirmed by my post about deciding to continue writing the story. He very sensibly advised me to use my demons and scars to my advantage.

In thinking further about where I want to take my character's story, I have started thinking about those demons--what I call dragons in my world--more in depth. Last night while talking with Joe, I ended up telling him some stories from my life, ones that I've mentioned to people before, but perhaps with an attitude of ca ne fait rien rather than with truth about how deeply I had been hurt.

It wasn't right, Joe said. You deserve better.

I'm starting to believe that, I replied.

I could hear both compassion and anger in his voice. It undoes me, and it helps me believe, just a little bit, that he's right.

Then today the same person who advised me on my story wrote a raw and utterly transparent post on his own blog about one of his demons. In my comment I linked him to a website that confronts these demons, and in the process ended up reading one of the latest entries there. That entry dealt quite directly with one of my dragons. Or maybe more than one; sometimes it's difficult to see where one ends and the other begins, since they've become so intertwined and tangled over the years.

I can't link to either site right now. I wish I could, because the posts are amazing, but if I do I will have to be transparent here about something I cannot talk about quite yet. I don't know if I ever will in this forum. There are people who read this blog who might be too hurt by what I have to say, even though it isn't about them directly. There are some wounds that are better off not seen.

The story I am writing is about a girl who must, ultimately, discover who she really is and who she wants to be, facing down deadly enemies both physical and mental in order to survive. She must save the world, but first she must save herself.

I'm beginning to realize that if I am to write that story, I must do the same for myself. I began the journey months ago. It's a new phase now.

So I sit here bleeding, but I have no intention of bleeding to death. I've had enough of sitting in silence, of convincing myself that I'm not hurt as badly as I think, of hiding from my pain. I don't know what all I must do in order to heal these wounds, but I have some places to start. There are friends and loved ones who are willing to listen. I will see my therapist on Tuesday and I know what I'll be talking about this time. And I'll be keeping my ears and eyes and heart open to the messages of love that I am blessed with on a daily basis.

If you hear a faint clanking coming from my direction, don't worry. I'm just suiting up for the fight.

11 bits of love:

Arby said...

Please buy and read "TrueFaced"
by Bill Thrall, Bruce McNicol, and John S Lynch. It should help. It is doing wonders for me. http://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=truefaced&tag=googhydr-20&index=stripbooks&hvadid=3020788161&ref=pd_sl_4c6k2jl0ig_b

Arby said...

Our scars make us who we are, but they do not have to define us. They should never be allowed to defeat us.

Mocha Dad said...

All us if have deep-seated pains and it's never easy to expose those to others. I use my blog to express some of mine because writing about them help me deal with them better. I encourage you to write that book.

A Teacher said...

I'm not sure why I'm writing this but if you'll picture me about aboug 3'10" with a thick bushy beard:

You have my axe.

(I'd have wanted to look like the pretty elf boy but a) I'm not a pretty elf boy and b) I really have more of a dwarf's temperment and c) I hope a little infusion of humor helps.)

mom said...

Integrity, our people here say, is a word meaning "clear all through." You're growing toward that place where the Light shines in and all the special stained glass pictures that are the True You become brilliant. I'm rooting for that day. And once you open up those old hidden wounds and let them bleed out and heal, and when you can forgive those who (well-meaning or not) wounded you, you will be truly free. The Truth will set you free, and so will truth. Love you! (And please tell Widget he is, as always, truly adorable, and I'm so glad that he's feeling better!)

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

It is so hard to face some things. But by doing so they will lose their power over you. You are incredibly brave, and if you need some help putting that armour on and getting ready for the fight, let us know. x

Stone Fox said...

maybe you are bleeding out the poison. a small, slow leak of all the bad stuff you've been carrying around.

it's a good thing.

Draft Queen said...

We're wounded. But we're also strong enough to heal our wounds and jump right back into the game.

Having people who believe in us helps.

(And you *know* I know you can do it.)

Heidi said...

I think the troubling thing for me is realizing how many of my dragons are really just parts of myself that I've allowed myself to ignore/told myself to ignore and built into monsters that don't really exist.

It's a strange process, therapy, and I'm only at the beginning of this round. Maybe we can both talk about what's going on with us on the phone - I suspect some of it is going to be pretty dang similar, alas!

Lots of hugs, hon.

Todd said...

As I told you after the blogger meetup, I applaud you for the work you have done so far. If I had the right to be proud of you for continuing the journey, I would be.

Oh, hell. I'm proud of you regardless of whether I have the right. And Joe's comment is spot on.

You do deserve better.

GingerB said...

Here's hoping there are no chinks in your armor and your aim is true. You can do it, dear.

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