He told me he needed to be buckled in, even though we weren't going anywhere. I think he just wanted to try out the big people mechanism.
Today has been a good day.
And yet I'm sitting here feeling a slow bleed inside. My stomach is twisted up and my shoulders (so recently released from bondage by multiple visits to my brilliant chiropractor and the ministrations of my equally brilliant massage therapist) are tensed once again. A bitter taste lingers at the back of my throat.
The last few days have stirred up some deep-seated emotions, scraped at some crusted-over scars, sharpened some long-buried memories. I don't think I'm going to be able to tuck it all away again. I think I am going to have to face and deal with some dragons this time around.
I suppose it started with the story I wrote on Saturday. One person who read it gave me some incredibly insightful (and useful) feedback. Among other things, he noted that he sensed there were autobiographical aspects to my main character, which was only confirmed by my post about deciding to continue writing the story. He very sensibly advised me to use my demons and scars to my advantage.
In thinking further about where I want to take my character's story, I have started thinking about those demons--what I call dragons in my world--more in depth. Last night while talking with Joe, I ended up telling him some stories from my life, ones that I've mentioned to people before, but perhaps with an attitude of ca ne fait rien rather than with truth about how deeply I had been hurt.
It wasn't right, Joe said. You deserve better.
I'm starting to believe that, I replied.
I could hear both compassion and anger in his voice. It undoes me, and it helps me believe, just a little bit, that he's right.
Then today the same person who advised me on my story wrote a raw and utterly transparent post on his own blog about one of his demons. In my comment I linked him to a website that confronts these demons, and in the process ended up reading one of the latest entries there. That entry dealt quite directly with one of my dragons. Or maybe more than one; sometimes it's difficult to see where one ends and the other begins, since they've become so intertwined and tangled over the years.
I can't link to either site right now. I wish I could, because the posts are amazing, but if I do I will have to be transparent here about something I cannot talk about quite yet. I don't know if I ever will in this forum. There are people who read this blog who might be too hurt by what I have to say, even though it isn't about them directly. There are some wounds that are better off not seen.
The story I am writing is about a girl who must, ultimately, discover who she really is and who she wants to be, facing down deadly enemies both physical and mental in order to survive. She must save the world, but first she must save herself.
I'm beginning to realize that if I am to write that story, I must do the same for myself. I began the journey months ago. It's a new phase now.
So I sit here bleeding, but I have no intention of bleeding to death. I've had enough of sitting in silence, of convincing myself that I'm not hurt as badly as I think, of hiding from my pain. I don't know what all I must do in order to heal these wounds, but I have some places to start. There are friends and loved ones who are willing to listen. I will see my therapist on Tuesday and I know what I'll be talking about this time. And I'll be keeping my ears and eyes and heart open to the messages of love that I am blessed with on a daily basis.
If you hear a faint clanking coming from my direction, don't worry. I'm just suiting up for the fight.