Diapers and Dragons

Thursday, September 10, 2009

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Einstein Bagels Customer Who Was In Line Just Before I Arrived,

Thank you so much for leaving that trail of cloying perfume so thick I had to swim through it. I love breaking out in hives and sneezing fits during my miniscule lunch break. I also very much appreciate that delicate flavor of rotting flowers that now lingers in everything I eat or drink.

Offering you a hosing-down,
An Allergy-Prone Fellow Customer

****************************

Dear Myself,

You really need to start remembering your lunch. This is going to get really expensive. I'll have to start starving you if you keep this up.

Forgetfully yours,
Me

****************************


Dear Students,

Last year every English teacher notified you about the summer homework. Some of us were even nice enough to hand out hard copies of the summer homework. We then posted PDF files of all the summer homework on the school website. The principal sent out postcards reminding parents and students about the summer homework. There was also a reminder at registration, where you were required to sign a sheet that you were, in fact, aware of the summer homework.

You had to read a novel or two. You had to fill out a few grammar worksheets. That was it. We didn't even make you write a paper over the summer because we were tired of the crap students kept turning in the first day of school, which just depressed us.

Showing up to class and telling me that you didn't know anything about the summer homework, were unable to access it/print it out/get to a library/lift a single finger/use a single braincell the entire summer, or that you just plain forgot...

...will simply be received with a raised eyebrow, a Well that's too bad, and a big fat zero to start out the year.

Congratulations on your failure,
Ms. TeacherMommy

****************************

Dear Delicious Apple Butter,

Why are you so yummy? Why can't I resist you? Why do you keep sending forth your spicy siren call from the refrigerator that makes my tastebuds leap in ecstatic joy? Why am I seriously considering buying an automatic apple peeler and food processor so that I can make more of you with ease? Why have you driven me insane?

Thinking longingly of you from work,
Your Salivating Slave

17 bits of love:

Heidi said...

Mmm, apple butter...

I was one of the students who was so paranoid about NOT finishing the summer homework that I was done a week in advance. Shame that kind of dedication didn't last - now I procrastinate far too readily.

My word verification for the day is "happy". Must remember that...

Todd said...

Wow. Your flames ("...trail of cloying perfume... that delicate flavor of rotting flowers that now lingers...") and love notes ("Why do you keep sending forth your spicy siren call from the refrigerator that makes my tastebuds leap in ecstatic joy?") are equally poetic.

I'm not sure whether I'd rather have you angry or enamored with me. :D

merideth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
merideth said...

deleted my previous post b/c i just scrolled down and found what i was looking for. sorry...

also? your redecorated blog looks great!

The Kampers said...

you are too funny! I think I could have written all of those today! Man!

Beth said...

hilarious!

Arby said...

Honestly...summer homework? And you actually expected your students to do it? As a staff of experienced teachers, you really expected them to do it? Did the bagel lady parade through a faculty meeting last year, making everyone high from her cloying aroma? Ya'll have high expectations. Now, I must admit that I admire your effort. I encourage your hard work. I'd love to read the statical outcome of how many kids did the work and how well they scored, and I hope to read of high scores.

Mwa said...

I hate in-your-face perfume with a vengeance.

But summer homework? Really? That just seems cruel.

Kami said...

I'm new around here and just stumbled onto your blog. I'm also a teacher, also a blogger and also a cynic. Sometimes. I thought this post was great.

Kids, just do your effing homework, already. Alright?

Brenda said...

too funny!

Monica said...

Great letters! The student one espectially. Love the raised eyebrow...

My husband was a hs english teacher for 13 years. We know that drill well.

Karen said...

As my first time visiting you, you have most definitely made it worth it! I'm drowing in an allergy fit right this very second and I feel your attack of the over powering overly floral perfume pain! Your writing just cracks me up! Love the whole post....thanks for the giggles through my tissues. :>

Collette said...

I can understand giving an assignment over the summer to keeps their minds alert & active, but you could use it as extra credit instead of giving a zero to those who didn't do it.
Ooh! I haven't had apple butter in ages! YUM!

Beth said...

Funny stuff!
And I love the faux-letter format. Can I steal your "To Whom It May Concern" concept and use it on a post chez moi? Proper credit to you, of course...

A Teacher said...

@Arby:

The US is one of the last modern nations that offers a 3 month holiday where students do nothing. While it might be a little naive to expect a lot out of them over the summer, the other option on the table is to eliminate summer holiday all together. Our kids no longer compete with each other but on a global scale and it's time we started looking, not at what other districts do, but at what other nations do.

Draft Queen said...

This is why I can't be a teacher.

Also? I forget something almost every work day. Usually it's food. I'm someone with a blood sugar problem, you'd think it wouldn't slip my mind so often.

(And I hate people who bathe in cologne/perfume. *gag*)

Linda said...

I am that student. I am that student who skipped all her AP reading assignments because she was sure she was going to drop the class on the first day of class because she truly did not want to take it. I am that student who was forced to take it anyway. I am that student... the only student who had no idea what was going on the first week of AP English. Sigh. I might have to blog on this one myself.

Related Posts with Thumbnails

Wait! Where Are You Going?

Wait! Where Are You Going?
 
Clicky Web Analytics