Diapers and Dragons

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

I Just Don't Know What To Do

I hope you don't think I'm bipolar, what with all the mood shifts on my blog. Last one was light-hearted.

This one isn't.

I really hope I'm wrong, but I think it's just a matter of (very) short time before my husband says he wants to file for divorce. He more or less said tonight that any attempts to avoid it are pointless. And that he didn't believe me when I said that I still want to try to save our marriage, and that he didn't believe me when I told him that I had made the choice to forgive him for his part in the long, slow disintegration in our relationship, for all the things intentional and not that he had done that hurt me over the last thirteen years. He doesn't believe that's possible, for anyone (but probably especially me) to just decide to do that and for it to be real. He doesn't think he'll ever be able to forgive me.

It's 2:20 AM here, and I can't sleep. There are no tears, just a deep ache accompanied by a weird numbness--my psyche and brain no doubt trying to put a shield of emotional protection around me.

God, I don't believe this is what you want. You say again and again in Your Word that you are not for divorce, that you intend marriage to be permanent, a covenant that is a living symbol of the covenant You have with us. I know we have free will in this as well, the ability to make our own choices even if they aren't the right ones.

And yet I'm asking, begging, that You perform a miracle here. I don't know what that miracle needs to be, though I know what I'd like it to be. Please, please, please, don't let this happen. Please show me what to do, what to say, that is the right choice.

The tears are threatening now.

I need to get some sleep, somehow. I have to function when the boys wake up.

18 bits of love:

Brit in Bosnia / Fraught Mummy said...

I don't know how you got to this point, but I really hope that you can work it out.

I'm thinking of you. x

sAm said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you - by the sounds of your blog this seems to be something you've been going through for a while - I hope you find comfort in the positive steps you have taken to save your marriage.
God bless.

The Kampers said...

Amen. Still praying for you both.

Kathleen said...

You know I'm praying for you!

LoriM said...

I'm praying, too.

Beth said...

I just recently had enough time to sit down and read through your blog from the start. I can't believe what you've been through in the past few months.
But despite the fact that you feel so fragile at times, your true strength shines through.

I am praying for you and hoping for the best.

dad said...

I am praying for you and for your husband that the miracle will indee come true by God's grace.

Monica said...

I am also praying for you. You will find peace somewhere, at some point; be good to and gentle with yourself.

Arby said...

It is difficult to find words of support that do not sound trite. I said a prayer for you and your family. I will say more. Lean on Him.

Meghan said...

I'm praying for you, sis.

mom said...

Me, too. Tears are indeed coming. May the miracle happen, the walls break down. But if it doesn't happen the way we hope, we know who is holding you. Tight. And he never lets go. He does want your marriage saved, too, and he knows your heart. Stay in his shade, even in the dark nighttime. Love you!

Heidi said...

Thinking of and praying for both of you.

Much love.

Shelly said...

I'm so sorry to hear this. I have been right where are you now. Trust that God still has a plan for you. You cannot control what your husband does, but you can control what you do. I pray that God will work in your husband's heart and that he will want to work on your marriage. But also know that God will not abandon you if your husband chooses to leave. I am praying for you. If you ever need a listening ear from someone who understands, I'll be here for you. I know how hard this is.

merideth said...

wish i knew the exact words that would make this all go away. i will certainly be praying for you.

GingerB said...

I'm thinking of you too, TeacherMommy. Be good to yourself.

sAm said...

I hope you're having a better day & that you found strength from the comments. Just to let you know how I feel, I tagged you for an award on my blog - you are awesome!!

Brownie said...

I found you from Arby's site. Just wanted to say I'm so sorry... and if I could I'd give you a ((((hug)))).

oreneta said...

Oh, I am so very very sorry. How awful.

Take care of yourself as well as of your lovely kids.

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