Diapers and Dragons

Sunday, December 14, 2008

My soul is empty
My heart is aching
Food is ashes in my mouth; wine as bitter as tears
My eyes are swollen with much weeping
My limbs are weak and cannot support me

How long will my sin burn inside me?
How long will my world shatter in endless pain?

I have forsaken those I love
And wounded what I cherish most
I am less than the dirt beneath my feet
I am lower than the worms crawling within

Let the pain be placed upon me only
Let my shame wash over me alone
Grant me strength to continue when I wish to lie down
Grant me patience to perservere when I desire only to cease breathing
Grant me courage to look my sons in their faces
Grant me mercy and forgiveness beyond all that I deserve

For I deserve nothing
And yet need everything
And know not where to turn.

7 bits of love:

Anonymous said...

You have a broken spirit, dear one, and this, God will not ever despise. The following psalm, 51, is the one David wrote when he was feeling like you, and at first when I read this I thought you were going to quote it, it is so much like it in parts. May it give your soul words to pray. As always, praying for you. TM's mom. I quote: Have mercy on me, O God, because of your unfailing love. Because of your great compassion, blot out the stain of my sins. 2 Wash me clean from my guilt. Purify me from my sin. 3 For I recognize my shameful deeds -- they haunt me day and night. 4 Against you, and you alone, have I sinned; I have done what is evil in your sight. You will be proved right in what you say, and your judgment against me is just. 5 For I was born a sinner -- yes, from the moment my mother conceived me. 6 But you desire honesty from the heart, so you can teach me to be wise in my inmost being. 7 Purify me from my sins,(1 )and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow. 8 Oh, give me back my joy again; you have broken me -- now let me rejoice. 9 Don't keep looking at my sins. Remove the stain of my guilt. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me. 11 Do not banish me from your presence, and don't take your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me again the joy of your salvation, and make me willing to obey you. 13 Then I will teach your ways to sinners, and they will return to you. 14 Forgive me for shedding blood, O God who saves; then I will joyfully sing of your forgiveness. 15 Unseal my lips, O Lord, that I may praise you. 16 You would not be pleased with sacrifices, or I would bring them. If I brought you a burnt offering, you would not accept it. 17 The sacrifice you want is a broken spirit. A broken and repentant heart, O God, you will not despise. 18 Look with favor on Zion and help her; rebuild the walls of Jerusalem. 19 Then you will be pleased with worthy sacrifices and with our whole burnt offerings; and bulls will again be sacrificed on your altar.
THERE! You are in the right place to start. Listen. Move to the next places. xoxoxoxoxo

Anonymous said...

We sung this hymn at the end of church this morning. May the lyrics bless you. Dad

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Refrain

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

Refrain

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Refrain

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

Refrain

But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!

Refrain

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

Refrain

Anonymous said...

I'm missing you very much this weekend! And praying for you every waking moment. I love you, and please call me when you can!
Love,
Ari

Anonymous said...

hey--
I love you too. i RARELY ever post on blogs--read them, then go on with life--but you're bleeding too much here not to. I will pray for what it takes to do what you need to each day, to love your little guys who love you so much. Please do get help.
I'm praying, always.
kd from ferke

Kathleen said...

I think it's great that you are so transparent...maybe you can collaborate someday with David because this is reminiscent of one of the Psalms! :)

Still praying for you, praying that you will find peace and resolution, praying things will begin to look up so you may enjoy Christmas and your birthday (if I remember right, it's on Christmas day, no?).

{{hugs}}

Heidi said...

Thinking of you, honey and hoping that you're finding some answers.

*hugs*

Heidi said...

Replying here, as I don't know if you'll see it over on my blog!

Figuring out my faith has been a real challenge for, well, forever (didn't we have this conversation back in high school too?!). I sometimes really envy those who are able to feel so confident about what they believe.

I'll have to take a look at "The Shack" - sounds interesting. I find myself struggling so much with the traditional Christian view of God, but also feel such a deep pull of the spiritual that I feel like I need to find some way to God that isn't bound up in all the old baggage I carry with me from my MK/PK/TCK past.

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