Diapers and Dragons

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

[Un]Erased

They are bittersweet, these days of sorting and purging and packing. Cleansing, to toss the bags and boxes of trash built up from years of forgetfulness and laziness. Ancient academic and financial papers that lost significance years ago. Broken bits of this and that forgotten in corners and closets. Outgrown clothes and toys and books and decorations.

Much of the undertaking is simple. I have lost much (though by no means all) of my need for Things. I feel less sentimentality about objects than I once did, no longer harbor an obsession with keeping anything and everything that might have importance. I prize relationships more highly than possessions these days, for nothing I owned made any difference when my life fell apart. People did.

The difficult part of this task, the bitterness on my tongue, lies with the memories. Too many of them, as I page through photos and scrapbooks and memorabilia: the detritus of a life lived as someone else, with someone else. What is linked to my children I kept, divided, parceled out according to affiliation. Certain other pieces, less shadowed, met the same treatment.

Much I discarded.

They are too bitter, those memories of loss and failure.

He thinks I hate him. I don't. But neither can I cling to a past that is laced eternally with gall and acid.

Besides, the memories will never be erased. They are an indelible part of me, nearly half the chapters that make up my life.

And now? Now it is time to turn the page.

7 bits of love:

Lauren said...

Yes, turn the page. You know who has written the next sheet of your life and who holds you in His hand.

I love you, dear friend. And so do many others!

PantsWithNames said...

It is therapeutic, to clean out a house. It is so symbolic of turning the page. But it is a hard thing to do as well. I hope you find it helpful on your road to healing.

Katie said...

What a beautiful way to write about this.
I couldn't even come up with complete thoughts when it was my time to turn the page!
I really love your writing.

Kathleen said...

Love these lines: "I prize relationships more highly than possessions these days, for nothing I owned made any difference when my life fell apart. People did."

mom said...

Sweetheart, you have indeed grown more aware and mature during those years, hard as things often were. I'm praying that you will have real refreshment for your strained emotions when you finish up this hard job. And turn the page with compassion for those whose memory cannot and should not be erased, as you indicate -- and with strength and wisdom for this new start. Love you!

Betty Herbert said...

A fresh start is such a luxury, even when it's not for a great reason. Try to enjoy it! x

Draft Queen said...

I mini-purged over the years. Last year I totally wanted to ditch my wedding gown but my daughter insisted I keep it so she could use it. For what, I have no earthly clue, but I did.

Kind of made me wish I ditched it when she was 6 and didn't really care.

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