Diapers and Dragons

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Shame and Consequence

Here's the true nastiness of sin: even once you've asked and received forgiveness, forgiven yourself, moved on...the consequences don't end. Actions have reactions, and the fractures we make ripple out through the crust to create shock and aftershocks.

It's not punishment, you see. Punishment is finite. That was your crime: this is your punishment. It comes to an end.

Consequences are simply (and yet so not simply) the logical and often perpetual result of actions and choices.

So even when I know, to my core, that I am cleansed of my sins, I will still see consequences for them in this life. A shattered relationship that will never fully heal, revisited with pain and hurt and lashings-out in cyclical fashion. Children facing upheaval and uncertainty and change and pain that they did not earn. Friendships weakened and damaged and even lost by torn loyalties. An insidious doubt lurking in the mind of my beloved.

Long ago the people my mother works with gave me a name in their language. I cannot replicate the name here, since my keyboard lacks much of their alphabet, but the name means, essentially, "the shame is gone." They gave me the name because I am my parents' firstborn daughter--and therefore the end of culturally "shameful" childlessness.

These days I claim that name for other reasons. Do you have any idea how precious that idea is to me?

My Shame Is Gone.

There are those who would wish it to remain, who would pile it back upon me. I'm learning to ignore that. Every now and again I feel that burden creeping back and have to remind myself to let it go.

My Shame Is Gone.

But the consequences remain.

10 bits of love:

The Kampers said...

beautiful! Yes, the blessing of no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Listen to that Voice of Truth!

Kathleen said...

As I was reading, I was going to tell you this: "Every now and again I feel that burden creeping back and have to remind myself to let it go"...to always remind yourself that that shame is Covered.

But you beat me to it.

Ed Pilolla said...

what a great piece. i really appreciate how you compartmentalize different things here, like punishment, consequences, sin and moving on. that's a beautiful name you were given. that name is a gift, as you understand. thanks for sharing this. you've come worlds to where you are, clearly.

mom said...

Fiɛrɛlaʔa, I love you. And so does your Good Shepherd. You are in a hard place, but you have come through many dark valleys into the light. You shine. You spoke so much truth in this blog. Hold on to it! (Would you believe my word ver. is "linglize" -- almost what I do??)

Sunday said...

This was beautiful. So full of raw truth and beauty.
What has always amazed me is that the sin itself was ugly, hateful, sometimes full of pride or lust and yet God through his son, Jesus Christ, cannot see it. He only sees his son's perfect blood cast over us and we are left white as newfallen snow.

What a Savior.

Draft Queen said...

This reminds me of the Lion King. When Rafiki hits Simba on the head and says "It's in the past!" and he tells him to return to his life.

MomZombie said...

As always, TeacherMommy, you capture the essence of something that is very difficult to define. I know of what you speak. More than a decade later, I live the consequences. I hope to grow stronger and wiser as a result.

Stone Fox said...

i don't even know what to say. i absolutely love this post. it's fascinating to see how your mind turns this concept of consequence around and figures it from so many different angles. just: wow.

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