We never talk trash, our rhymes are cleanAh, memories. Back in 1990, when I was a gangly, gawky, flat-as-a-stick seventh grader with bad skin and worse hair, someone brought a CD back from the United States that sent waves of (delayed) pop culture through our little boarding school. This was the Next Big Thing, what Regular Americans were listening to, and if we were going to be Cool, we had to be in love with
Our rhymes are never vague and we say nothing obscene
So any sucker mcs who wanna battle us
Can you go at least 20 lines without a cuss?
Cause once we start to jam, you'll be in a state of shock
Clear the way party people, we're the new kids on the block
The New Kids On The Block
God help us all.
Boy bands had been around for a while, apparently (Menudo, anyone?), but NKOTB made them American as apple pie and pickup trucks with shotgun racks. The boys were so Cute. They were so Upbeat and Perky. More to the point for us, they were ICA*-approved, which meant that their lyrics would not offend the Powers That
I didn't really get the music. But Everyone Loved NKotB, so therefore I loved NKOTB. And when the other girls asked me breathlessly which one was my favorite New Kid, I went with the most popular answer and said Joey...or was that Jordan? Crap, I don't remember any more. Because it was such an IMPORTANT decision, you know. The New Kid you liked best apparently said huge amounts about you.
I think some people may have gotten into fights over it, but mostly I just tried not to look too confused.
When NKOTB went out of style (thankfully quickly), I had hope that the days of boy band craze were of Yore. I should have known better.
In college, along came
The Backstreet Boys
who were then challenged by
and I believe people still debate who won that fight.
I am TOTALLY an 'N Sync girl, let me tell you. I mean, really. How could there be any competition there? Justin T., y'all!!!
Excuse me while I run to the restroom.
Whew. Sorry about that.
And if that weren't enough, along came the MMMMbopping Hansons
And lest we think that only the male half of the species offended, there were
The Spice Girls
I wish I could say that was all. But it wasn't.
What do I have against the Boy (and occasionally Girl) Bands?
Well. Where do I begin?
If you like meaningless and cheezy lyrics, derivative melodies, overchoreographed dance moves, an almost complete inability to write or actually PLAY music (and let's not even talk about originality here), and an overwhelming emphasis on merchandising and faux celebrity "news", then go for it. Boy Band it up. More power to ya.
Personally, I want to hurl.
And yet...there is something hypnotic about that pop-bubblegum, faux badass, overproduced stuff. It's kind of like Taco Bell or Cheetos. You know it's just so very bad for you, but once you start eating...you can't put it down.
Because while I may not have ever owned an album by one of these bands...
I did catch myself singing along to their songs.
And I kind of liked that one 'N Sync music video where they were marionettes.
And I did watch the Spice Girls movie.
I may be going to Music Hell.
Um, so DraftQueen? Once you decide to forgive me for my musical sins, you want to send me some more mp3s? I'll be washing my brain out so it's clean enough to receive those luscious songs.
Oh, and you can thank Jason Mayo of Out-Numbered for the post topic. He apparently is a Backstreet Boys fanatic (seriously, all I can do is giggle) and has threatened to play Boy Band music through my window at night so it haunts my
I'd be a lot more scared if he knew where I live.
I'll never tell. I value my sanity too much.
*International Christian Academy, the now-defunct boarding school where I went for 7-9 and 11-12th grades. They were quite conservative there. Quite.