When Friends Confront

This morning two of my coworkers, who happen to also be friends, came to talk to me out of love.

And you know what that means.

As soon as I saw them at my door with those tell-tale Oh-Honey-We-Love-You-But-We-Gotta-Talk looks on their faces, my heart started pounding and my face flushed and a million possibilities passed through my head--very much that little kid Holy crap what have I done lately that would get me in trouble think think think THINK brain: was it that? Or that? Or this? And how would anyone KNOW? sort of panic.

They are two lovely and loving women, also English teachers, who have been working with me closely for years and are among the very few people at work who actually know the truth behind the drama this year. I mean, I've caused all manner of rumblings among the staff and along the grapevine, what with the whole tons of absences and then disappearing-off-the-face-of-the-earth thing back in December and January. Not to mention, you know, the angst.

It's been a bad year. I just realized yesterday that I've been in the marital trenches, so to speak, for six months now. That's two-thirds of the school year.

No wonder I scored a ridiculous stress level of 309 on a stress test (Actually, I scored 325 but took off a couple because I figured maybe minor changes didn't count). Apparently I should be lying in a hospital bed somewhere.

Anywho, my friends came to me to express their concern, and the concern of others, about my taking over the position of department head this fall. They assured me that this wasn't because people didn't like me or want me as DH, but that they were very concerned with my stress levels and how close I am to burnout and want me to be able to focus on what is important right now.

And apparently there is now another teacher who is willing to take the position next year, with assistance from various members (I love that my department is so willing to share responsibilities), which means that I no longer need to feel like it's my duty to step up because no one else can or will.

And they're right about my needing to lower my stress and focus on my top priorities. So I will not be department head this next year. We'll see what happens after that.

I have mixed feelings, truth be told. On the one hand, I could have really used the sizable chunk of money that would have come with the position. I could have paid off most, if not all, of that nasty line of credit balance hanging out there. And there's the whole ego thing about being head of the department. On the other hand, it's not exactly a fun job.

OK, it's a horrible job. It's lots of work, lots of stress, lots of organization (and I'm SO good at that--not), lots of meetings, and not a whole lot in the way of warm fuzzies. More like icy drafts from Hell.

I think mostly I hate having to face the humbling reality that I can't handle that extra responsibility right now. That's part of My Problem, you know, that whole admitting-weakness thing. I'm used to being all WonderWoman on the outside, able to tackle anything the Big Bad World throws at me. While inside I'm trembling in a corner terrified that people will find out I'm really WhinyWimp. Or at best, mediocre.

I may not like it much, but I am grateful I have people in my life who will come talk to me out of love. I need it.

Even when it hurts.