All The Things I Did(n't?) Do Last Week: A Tragedy In Ten Parts

This last week was a symphony of perfection and grace on my part. I was an angel of kindness and a joy to have in my family's life. I was a shining example of God's love to all those around me.

Therefore, I Did Not "forget" to call my therapist about my appointment on Tuesday night and the need to reschedule, instead using the excuse of a missing cell phone and a sniffling child to let it go until it was too late. Because I Did Not simply want an excuse to avoid talking about difficult things. Of course not. Not Me.

I then Did Not get all ostrich-like about the presence of swine flu (or H1N1 for those of you who like to be all PC about it) in our area and simply shrug when I showed up to daycare on Wednesday with an under-5-year-old who has asthma and a history of respiratory illness (with resultant hospital stays), discovering that there was a confirmed case in the daycare. I then Did Not leave my child at his daycare and go to work, simply mentioning the news casually to my husband in an email an hour later. When (1) he was already home caring for The Widget, who was sick, and (2) I have first hour prep, so DramaBoy could have been taken home no problem. And then when my husband called the doctor, and she said we should all get tested (since 3 out of 4 of us had symptoms), I Did Not do a complete switch and freak out and tell people to stay away from me and ask the doctor if we should go to the ER and if I should leave work early. Of course not. Not Me.

And then when the 3 out of 4 of us (minus DramaBoy, very oddly and miraculously) were diagnosed with sinus infections instead and were given antibiotics, I Did Not get fed up with The Widget's ongoing Issues With Taking Medicine and simply hold him down on the floor like a cat and say Open your mouth. Swallow. Open your mouth. Swallow. over and over until he complied. Of course not. Not Me.

With illness in the house, including in myself, I also Did Not stay up late (way too late) at least twice in order to watch the auditions for So You Think You Can Dance? simply because they were sitting there on the DVR and taunting me with their presence. So of course I Did Not end up with too little sleep, contributing to my ongoing absolute fatigue and irritability. Of course not. Not Me.

On Thursday I Did Not get all prideful and hurt and refuse to pray and ask God for help in changing my attitude, even though I knew that's what I have to do before our marriage counseling sessions if I want them to go decently. So I Did Not instead go through a session full of anger and bitterness on both sides, sobbing almost the entire time, only to discover that the husband with whom I was so angry was capable of greater grace than I when he pulled me into his arms for a hug as we left the building. Of course not. Not Me.

I then Did Not try to satisfy that little ache inside by buying a new dress, with the excuse that I needed something decent in red for Pentecoste. And justifying it with the bargains I found. Of course not. Not Me.

And I Did Not then spend even more than I spent on the dress ($15 at H & M--I DO love that store!) for a little white crocheted "sweater" thingie ($24 at Charlotte Russe, if you're keeping track) because the dress I found was a little skimpier up top than seemed prudent for church. Of course not. Not Me.

Meanwhile, on the Home Front, I Did Not end up feeding my kidlets hot dogs three meals in a row (disregarding the intervening breakfast) because they're easy to make and it was decent grilling weather and we didn't have enough hamburgers for everyone. Of course not. Not Me.

Of course, I also Did Not lose track of how many snacks DramaBoy was begging/filching/doubling up on throughout the day during the weekend, to the point where he basically refused to eat his lunches and dinners (a.k.a. Real Food). And I then Did Not threaten to take away all snacks, even at school (which I'm pretty sure would be impossible) if he didn't finish his dinner. Of course not. Not Me.

And finally, I Did Not carefully plan Sunday afternoon and evening around my attendance to graduation, which was scheduled for 4 p.m., even carefully running directions to the place it is every year (over an hour away) so I wouldn't miss my exits, and then make a complete error in my thinking and plan to leave at 3:30 (see distance away above), and then realize as I pulled out of the driveway that the ceremony was starting in just over 15 minutes and would be halfway over by the time I even arrived. Of course not. Not Me.

Never.