I Just Don't Know What To Do

I hope you don't think I'm bipolar, what with all the mood shifts on my blog. Last one was light-hearted.

This one isn't.

I really hope I'm wrong, but I think it's just a matter of (very) short time before my husband says he wants to file for divorce. He more or less said tonight that any attempts to avoid it are pointless. And that he didn't believe me when I said that I still want to try to save our marriage, and that he didn't believe me when I told him that I had made the choice to forgive him for his part in the long, slow disintegration in our relationship, for all the things intentional and not that he had done that hurt me over the last thirteen years. He doesn't believe that's possible, for anyone (but probably especially me) to just decide to do that and for it to be real. He doesn't think he'll ever be able to forgive me.

It's 2:20 AM here, and I can't sleep. There are no tears, just a deep ache accompanied by a weird numbness--my psyche and brain no doubt trying to put a shield of emotional protection around me.

God, I don't believe this is what you want. You say again and again in Your Word that you are not for divorce, that you intend marriage to be permanent, a covenant that is a living symbol of the covenant You have with us. I know we have free will in this as well, the ability to make our own choices even if they aren't the right ones.

And yet I'm asking, begging, that You perform a miracle here. I don't know what that miracle needs to be, though I know what I'd like it to be. Please, please, please, don't let this happen. Please show me what to do, what to say, that is the right choice.

The tears are threatening now.

I need to get some sleep, somehow. I have to function when the boys wake up.