Diapers and Dragons

Tuesday, May 17, 2011


I'm at a point where I'm internalizing so much stress that I'm no longer trusting my reactions or judgment. I feel like a volcano bulging with pent-up magma, ready to explode at the slightest fracture. My neck and shoulders are bunched up, my throat aches, my head throbs, and acid burns down my esophagus. It would only take one wrong word for me to erupt in rage, tears, or both.

It's no one thing. It's everything. It's the buildup of all sorts of stress and fears and worries and hopes and aggravations. It's the fatigue of the year drawing to a close. It's the frustration of senioritis. It's the lack of sleep, the lingering effects of whatever respiratory plague attacked me last week, the sense of dread as wave after wave of bad news and potentially disastrous now-we-wait-and-see news rolls in about loved ones and politics and money and everything else in this seriously fucked-up world.

I don't always deal well with stress. Okay, fine, I rarely deal well with stress.

MTL thinks I need to take a mental health day. I hate to do that. I have few enough sick days left, and I tend to hoard those for truly necessary sick leave (mine or, more likely, kidlets'), as I know all too well the financial impact of unpaid sick leave when those days run out. I do have a couple of personal business days I haven't used that will vanish if they aren't used, but I have to request those at least three days in advance, and anything further out than Thursday just isn't possible. I have senior project presentations, junior speeches, senior exams, and then the rest of final exams filling every available slot.

I'm just so TIRED. Not just physically. Mentally. Emotionally. Spiritually. I can't even focus much on the wedding, because everything else takes up my attention. I can't look forward too much to the honeymoon, because a part of me dreads the possibility of having to cancel due to financial or other reasons. I don't want to have my heart too set on that in case it's pulled out of reach.

It's as if there's a threatening cloud looming over everything. I'm struggling to find the light through the shadows.

4 bits of love:

Heidi said...

If there's any GOOD news, it's that the year isn't too far from being done and then you'll have a huge break, at least for a couple of weeks.

Take the mental health day if you need it. *hugs*

MomZombie said...

Oh, man, you sound just like me. You are carrying one heavy load. You know you'll have to let some of it go. I hope some answers and some peace come your way soon.

mom said...

Just read this -- I'm so sorry that it has all become so overwhelming. Hang on, dear heart. Do some deep breathing, morning, noon and evening. Pray: throw all the heavy stuff on You Know Who. Love you!

GingerB said...

Damn, I got stuffed into the same pit of despaire, but I don't have a wedding at the end of the tunnel (looks more like a divorce). I am glad you have MTL to help you through this. Hang on - graduation is coming and that's gotta help somewhat, right?

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