Standing in the Shallows

I have a craving for sad songs lately. I found myself singing "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt in the car the other night. Not on the radio. Out of the blues, so to speak. I've been listening to Pandora.com all day on a new station I created based on Moby's "Porcelain," giving thumbs-up to all the semi-trancey wistful songs by Enigma and Zero 7 that tug at my core. Tonight Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb" was on the radio and I sang along, remembering those times back in December and January when I would listen to that song, despair spreading its poisoned agony in my belly, and wish I could feel that way.

I'm toying with the idea of putting together a mix-CD. Mourning music.

I'm not exactly plunged into depression--certainly not despair--but I sense that I am once again slowly cycling back through the stages of grief. The phases reduce in intensity each time, but still I can feel the grieving roll over me like a long slow wave, inexorable in its roiling strength. I've made my way to the shallows, so the wave no longer flings me down and sucks me under, but still I feel myself strain to hold balance in the shifting currents.

There was a time when I would not have withstood the grief. I remind myself that I am infinitely more whole than I have been in...well, as long as I can remember. I am growing strong. I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin.

I spent a lovely evening with a close friend tonight, a woman I've known for ages and who has been there for me even through the years when it must have been hard to be my friend. I remember as little as a year ago--less than--being tense, on edge, self-conscious, every time I was around her. I appreciated having her friendship, but I always had a sense of inferiority and fear of comparison. I second-guessed everything I said; my laughter was often strained or forced; my muscles tensed and flexed until they ached.

Tonight I realized I was simply carrying on conversation, laughing, advising, being truthful in my words and being. I thought a little more and recognized that even though I'm still learning to relax and just Be with people, I am doing so more often than not. In return, I feel that people are also more relaxed around me, more able to relate with me. At least, I hope that is the case.

So I'll breathe. I'll take in the air, take in the Spirit, and release the anxiety and anger and grief. And in time this too will roll on, leaving me standing strong in the shallows and, one day, on higher ground.