Life on Overload

One of the hardest parts for me about depression and grieving--at least in terms of dealing with the World Out There and loved ones--is the sensitivity to everything. I can't speak for other people, but I know that when I'm sitting on the Dark Side of life, I become hypersensitive to every nuance, every word, every action. And not in a good way.

I snap in anger at the slightest provocation--not to even mention the actual button-pushing that comes from, oh, say, two small boys whose worlds have been turned upside down. I suspect dark motives behind each negligent word. If friends and family don't answer when I call or take a long time to respond to a message or email, I think they're avoiding me. If someone doesn't beg me to join them in some event or activity, or doesn't seem overjoyed to see me, I think it means they don't want me.

Intellectually I know this isn't the case. People are busy or out of town. They don't mean something the way I take it. They're being normal in their reaction or reception of me. Intellectually I know that I am loved and that there are many people (not all: I'm not naive) who like to have me around, even actively want me around.

I just struggle to feel it.

For example, today I wrote a comment on a dear friend's post disagreeing with what she had said about a recent hot topic. I wasn't the only one, nor the first, and I think I did so with respect and without attacking her personally. And yet, when I hit Submit, it was all I could do not to have a mini panic attack. Ever since, I've been more than half-convinced that by disagreeing with her I must have offended her and now she won't want to be my friend. I know she's NOT a petty person, nor easily offended, and yet I cannot rid myself of that feeling of doom.

My therapist says this is normal for what I'm going through. I'm feeling grief and anger and rejection, and I'm so overloaded already that the slightest possibility of more sends me over the edge.

So I'm making some choices. I'm going back on Zoloft. Now is not the time to be all chemically independent. I'm going to try to get more exercise into my schedule, because that's disappeared. I'm going to try to eat more healthily and drink more water. And even though I have the urge to write my own post about the current hot topic, I'm going to hold off until I'm a little more balanced.

And I'm going to try, very hard, to just breathe.

UPDATE: I made another choice to stop stewing and actually ask my dear friend about my comment on her post. As I knew (intellectually) she would, she told me (in gentler, much more loving words) to stop being a blooming idiot. I'm going to go put my head under a rock or two and try to take her advice.